Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day as an infertile woman

Today is Mother's Day and I had one of the best Mother's Days that I can remember.  It was a happy day for me, I spent it with my mom and my children were with me.  Before we all got together to celebrate we went to church for our usual Sunday service.  I looked around and saw so many people my heart aches for.  I have two people in my life who have lost their mothers recently, two friends who have lost their baby, and a friend who is struggling with infertility. It was a great reminder of the days where Mother's Day was painful for me.

The first few years after I gave Sarah up for adoption, Mother's Day was very hard for me.  I was a mother, but yet I wasn't.  I had a child, yet I didn't.  Almost everyone forgot that I even had a baby, so it wasn't even acknowledged by most.  But my heart felt heavy.  I always had a healthy outlook about Sarah and where she was.  I knew she was in an amazing family and I received letters and pictures quite often.  The pain was there, the loss was there, but it was healthy.

Then came my years of infertility.  Mother's Day was almost unbearable during those years. I will tell you right now that my thoughts and feelings were not healthy when it came to struggling with infertility.  I was depressed, numb, and so angry that this was happening to me, especially since I was able to get pregnant before.  The hormones I was taking did a number on my emotions as well.  I was a mess.  I was crabby, out of sorts, depressed and bitter.  The medications gave me migraines and I couldn't take anything in case I might be pregnant.  It was a cruel reality on a month to month basis that I could barely endure.  I was so determined that I just kept going and going and trying and trying.  I see now that I should have just given it over to God so I could have had a peace about it.  I think I was just so scared.  Now I look back and if I only could have seen how I would be blessed with four amazing children, I could have rested and enjoyed the ride.  I can honestly say that I am not sorry things have turned out the way they have.  God had a purpose for my life, which is pretty obvious now, and I am loving it now that I see what a blessing it is!