Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The day I found out I was pregnant...

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. I was driving down Hwy 13 in Burnsville, MN and I just had this overwhelming feeling all of a sudden, and I knew. I just knew I was pregnant. Don't ask me how I knew, maybe other women have had the same feeling, I don't know. I pulled over on the side of the road and cried. Bret, the would be father, had broken up with me for another girl and I was still mourning that loss. One of my best friends at the time had a daughter and I knew what her life was like. How could I have been so stupid? I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test. My mind raced all day. (Back then you had to take the test in the morning, so I had to wait.)

I remember the set up of my room. My parents were in the process of building a new home so we were all living in a town home until it was finished. My sister, Kristen, and I shared the huge room, like a living room, downstairs.

The next morning I went into the bathroom and took the test. It took ten very long minutes to process.  While I waited I sat and put my make up on in front of a mirror on the floor next to Kristen's bed. We talked about the test and what I would do. After the time was up, I went and looked at the test. I came out and didn't say anything for quite a while. I just sat back down on the floor and continued getting ready. Kristen just stared at me waiting patiently to hear what I was going to say. Finally I could get the words out... "The test is positive, I am pregnant." I was completely numb. Kristen asked me what I was going to do and I said I didn't know, but what options did I have? I couldn't tell my parents, it would kill them. That was all I could think about. My parents.

I drove to school and walked in like a zombie. I told two people. My friend, who already had a kid. She looked at me like I was an idiot, and she was right. I also told Bret's best friend. Bret wasn't at school that day, he was sick. Immediately after school, at least I think it was after school because I don't remember being in any classes that day, I drove to Bret's house. I had a note for him, how mature.... It pretty much said that I was pregnant and he needed to break up with the other girl and get back with me until we figured everything out. He said he would. I found out much later that he never did break up with her, but he was there for me. The poor guy was only sixteen himself, how was he suppose to know how to handle this situation?

Bret and I talked about everything for quite awhile and the topic of abortion came up. I knew I never wanted to get an abortion, but I didn't know what else to do. I was so against abortion, but I was more against hurting my family. I remember looking up abortion clinics in the yellow pages. I found one and picked up the phone and dialed the number. On the other end of the phone someone answered and I instantly hung up the phone. I knew then that there was no way I was going to be able to have an abortion. It was against everything I believed in and I just couldn't do it.

I went home not having a clue what I was going to do. I probably thought I would just wait awhile and figure it out later. I had time. When I walked into our house, my mom was sitting in the chair next to the window, and I knew she knew. I could see it in her face. The pain, the disappointment, the fear. I caused all of that. At that moment I was so sorry, but there was nothing I could do to change it. We, mostly I, decided I would go to the LIGHT House for this pregnancy and give my baby up for adoption.

No comments:

Post a Comment